Thursday, January 5, 2023

The Cough that Wakes You Up at Night

Of the many things that I brought with me from my life decades ago as a teenager until now, this blogger account has got to be one of the more enduring ones for not only has this served as my electronic output for our creative writing class, this has also served as part-journal part-expression board throughout my angsty college years as well.


The love for the sake of love...

The other one is my love for writing, although now, it should be more aptly named as my love for the love of writing, for not only have I completely stopped keeping record of the nuances of my life since November 2022 after my 5-year journal completely ran out of pages, I have also skipped on my snail mail writing via the Slowly app. Until of course, Christmas season arrived when I frantically took out my baby blue Hermes typewriter from its case on the TV rack (and which I have bought with my first salary from when I started working as a nurse with NHS England), and penned a few cards for my family and friends from around UK, the Philippines, right across the Atlantic, and my first ever card to Japan!



Just a couple days back, we marked the start of another year, I am led to question whether this act of logging into my account after a long time is a genuine attempt of taking back what I once lost, or simply a feeble attempt of implementing the very popular practice of New Year's Resolution.

At this point, I am just recovering from a very bad case of flu which hit me a couple days after Christmas, and two consecutive 13-hr shift in the Emergency Department (the first of which being my worst shift ever in my entire career!); today, I went to get my prescription for a chest infection, and still managed to show up to my appointment with my research mentor where we got to discuss a little bit about my proposed study which is part of my 6-month internship with the trust's research department. 

Truthfully, this is one of the things I want to do with my life... and this blog has actually been a silent witness of all of my wishful thinkings, way back during my teenage years.

Browsing through my past entries, and though there was hardly any over the past few years, one realizes how relative the passing of time is to every individual, in this case, to every platform. Twenty-twenty was just one blog post away from this, however, for the rest of the world, this has been a turning point on global health, health policies, and economics among many other things involving the security not just of each nation and its citizens, but the future of the entire human species.

There are so many things that can be written about this period, a still ongoing nightmare for many parts of the world including back home, but whenever I think of my experiences right from the start particularly enduring a 6-month lockdown in Manila, essentially being thrown into living in the same house with a few other people I barely knew (think Pinoy Big Brother but lockdown), being away from home to work abroad in the middle of a pandemic and never seeing my family for almost 3 years-- every single element of what happened to me feels like a lifetime away, that I find myself at a loss for words to describe it.

However, even with the many things that this situation has taken away from me, it has not given me a few things back, rather it has led me to experience other things which I would have described as 'beautiful' under different circumstances: first, I found a much deeper appreciation for my brother with whom I have endured the lockdown with and the big move of working in another country; second, I have been brought to closer to the strangers who shared the same traumatic events with me and that just by finding ourselves at the same place at the same time on that particular moment, we have been 'forcibly' connected into a friendship which eventually blossomed and endured, and that we  will always have this shared story which we will tell even our children's children in the years to come; and lastly, there is this truth-- that it is possible to love someone so surely, that at one singular moment, everything can be so hopeless yet you have chosen this person to be the sole reason why you think life is still beautiful, to have given this person such power, and to believe this with all your heart.


He is the sun, the wind, and the alien...


[to be updated soon -RN]

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Friday, January 3, 2020

Of Machines and Men

It was a moment such as this that led me to write the opening line of the sestina. Lying on my back in the middle of a blazing afternoon, I listen to my own breathing as the sound of mechanical blades slicing through the air fills my ear. When I made you guess what it is, its actual answer was one farthest from your mind.

As the surrounding air is being sucked into this same machine, the movement of the blades causes for the current ahead of it to move faster- everything follows the natural order. Perhaps, that's why this sestina, a complex form for a poem, seemed to be a natural choice for the next project. 

This cycle of writing, which started as a game, has led us to the ending of a wonderful story between a boy and an ant and another wonderful beginning of our own. 


And so, we keep on writing...

A sestina written by Mycota & Pyrrhic

Blades slicing through the same air I breathe, a cycle
of fate piercing with the ticks of time- an agony of silence.
These blades and clock hands though forged in fire are just man-made machines,
that clink in unison with their creator, that slowly decay into dust.
The organisms die and so do they. Steel creaking, steel breaking,
before the face of merciless fate that intertwine


A weary man drinks from a cup of wine and poison that intertwine
and diffuse into blood, while the heart beats a numbing cycle
of stygian blood flowing through mortal veins, breaking
hope as the cried muffled by eerie silence
breaks faith into pieces finer than dust.
Life is no better than half broken machines.

The weary man meets a clockwork whose body is run by machines.
The sirens of time tick, weaving a melody that intertwine
with each movement to fuel mechanical souls before they in turn, bites the dust.
Such an empty wonderment as the world turns another cycle!
Such a beautiful song wasted into ears that hear nothing but silence,
leaving in its wake - tears- glowing and breaking!

The steel hands reached out for a fragile human heart that's breaking.
To find love that vanish in the cruel time machines.
To grant love where there is war, to speak of it where there is apathetic silence.
To finally weave two hearts separated by fate in love that intertwine.
To rest in a love free from the torments of a creaking, tiring cycle.
One that will stay, even when everything turns into dust.

This is the substance that reassembles life out of dust,
like a warmth that come by spring, breaking
through the thick blanket of cold white in a terrestrial cycle.
It is the tenderness even in this world of machines
with gears that turn in two opposite directions yet still intertwine
and keep echoing warmth even in the most eerie silence.

It is the sweet voice in my head as I embrace the silence.
It gives my life meaning, even if I'm nothing in universe but a little tiny dust.
So, I hold out my weary iron hands, hoping for my mechanical existence to intertwine,
melting within heart's beating, witnessing the barrier, slowly breaking,
my eyes blinking, my lungs expanding, like a human's and not that of machines.
With the thawing of the long frozen heart, it is the beginning of a new cycle.

Mortal blood and engine oil intertwine in the arteries of this heart that pumps in steady silence.
A new life, a new cycle, springs from death and dust.
Love is an engine, turning, breaking the customs, coldness and cycle of self-condemnation of machines (and men).

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Love, It Is


It is waking up to the sound of rain and the rumbling of thunder wrapped in warmth that somewhere the sun rises gently over your head.

It is waking up, seeing a glimpse of your face that make me grateful each morning. It is your tender love wrapping my day in rainbow.

It is reading the lines of a book in a quiet corner of the room seeing your face as I read these words out loud to you.

It is reciting your words in my mind which makes me remember of how blessed I am.

It is learning the same dance steps for the rest of eternity and feeling as if we've just danced it for the first time.

It is watching the same night sky for a thousand times and finally meeting the stars one by one.

It is uttering your name in my prayers and resting peacefully in the thought that I am in yours.

It is sleeping in your tight embrace where I'm certain that I will never be lonely.

It is doing the same old things the way I've always done before. It is doing these same old things but with a resurrected soul.

And one day, it is finally being reduced to dust, yet choosing a thousand times over to be a part of the air that fills your lungs for a moment than return to the stars and burn gloriously for eternity.

Do you feel it?

Each of your particles is entangled with mine.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

A Boy, an Ant, and the Moon

It's been two years since I last wrote an entry and it's actually a pleasant surprise that my blogger account is connected to Gmail, hence, this opportune chance to log in seamlessly. I've just realized that I've been posting at least annually since I started this blog in high school but for the past 2 years, I got too caught up in work I wasn't able to publish one for myself to read, at least. 

But I had a one in a million chance of meeting a person who reminded me of how wonderful it is to write and who also apparently likes weird competitions (his words, not mine) i.e. creating short stories, such as this. So, to the two people who are reading this part of the internet, Hello!


                       Here's a short story made across a thousand miles,
through a few dozen Slowly letter exchanges,
by two people anticipating Easter.

Like rainbow that can be painted over grey canvas, and so life can be colorful over the grey past.                                                                                       Mycota

One two three four, what numbers are for? One is my love, two maybe nice, three is too much, four is...accident. One two three four, what numbers are for? Two times one equal one times two, why bother with the calculation if you don't have to? Alas the answer is just two.

He had always been the outsider, the weird kid with two thumbs...on his right hand, and two on his left. So that when they started counting their fingers and toes in first grade, his would always end two numbers more than the rest. And when he was asked to describe himself in just two words the first day of high school, he replied, "Bad at counting."

But he had always been two steps ahead, as he thought that having two more thumbs is better than having two less... And it certainly better than having two faces.

At least physically, he didn't magically grow another face. Yet like the moon graced with two faces, she who regally struts her beauty across the night sky, her dark side kept away from everyone's view, he had, on the other hand, been keeping others from seeing the light of his soul and instead chose to always show the world a dim facade. Being always two steps ahead, he did this to himself.

And that night, the moon was full, glowing upon him as he sat on the terrace. A tiny wanderer climbed to his hand. A creature with four more legs, an ant. He put up his tiny guest to the level of his eyes, scrutinize him as he climbed further to the tip of his thumb, just like a pinnacle of a mountain where he could enjoy the moonlight. What was the purpose of eyes if not to appreciate differences, he thought to himself.

Hence began the start of a wonderful friendship--- that of the four-thumbed human and the six-legged creature, an ant, who, despite its size is actually one of the strongest beings in the planet. A few moments ago, he was just carrying the boy's heavy gaze. But as the night went on, the ant found himself also carrying the boy's heavy heart.

The night was beautiful and the wind was gentle. For long the ant had stayed, before he finally let himself down. He stopped and gave the boy a final gaze, an acknowledgement and admiration before continuing his journey. From the queen he came, to the queen, he serve. The encounter was short, but the boy realized, from God he came, to God he serve, and in Him, he found his meaning.

The next time they met, the atmosphere was just as peaceful and the wind was just as gentle as the night of their first encounter. But now the boy is sitting by the window, the ant on his palm and together they waited for the disappearance of the moon. As hours passed by, the moon gradually changed its color, a thin red curtain was being drawn to cover her solemn face. The boy stared amazed, he didn't dare blink. Nor did the ant. For ants cannot blink even if they wanted to.

It is the dream afraid of waking that never take the chance. So the boy stood in his feet on top of resolution that won't blink even in fierce stormy life. He had now, the strength of an ant to heave the burden of every troubles, the illuminating sun to guide him, gentle moon to console him, and an ant to fight with him. He speak to the ant, 'Today, we're going to make the world our friend'.

But alas! It seems that the World heard their plan and thought he is too superior to be included in that puny friendship. For even as the minutes turned to hours, the duo waited in vain for the moon's reappearance in the night sky but she never did. The World's darkness swallowed the Moon and he refuses to give her back. The boy and the ant are now beginning to panic!

As the trees and grass wilted, and so they boy's heart started to wither. In the pitch black of terrifying night, the boy realized the darkness of his own heart. Anger and dissatisfaction. Voices echoed within his head. One two three four, what numbers are for? One step to misfortune, two steps from calamity, three devils dancing among him in the rectangle of demons!

"Matter exists in four physical states" - that's what their physics teacher told them. But why does it seem to him that he, a solid human being, is starting to dissipate into thin air with each step he takes at the school hallways? People look his way but choose to unsee him, everyday. So, in what state does a tangible but invisible object exist? To that he added the fifth: a paradox!

"A paradox!" He exclaimed. What a convenient state he thought. In an environment that defies logic, one couldn't be wrong. There was no judgement for all the truth was himself to determine. Thus began his conviction that what truly matter was himself.

It is a whole different world where everything seems to move at a pace based on the viewer's perception of its relevance; it is where a sunrise could take an entire lifetime, the falling of a leaf a decade, or the escaping of terrors just a split second. It is a world where his thought is god!

All by myself... All by myself he repeated. And a question struck him, like a thunder with flashing realization.. What was the meaning of himself? Could one be meaningful for oneself? This world conquered by his mind, but the mind can't conquer itself, for it can't help but felt lonely.

So on that rare summer night, when the night was much darker, and the wind much colder, he curled up on his bed, hugging himself and missing his little friend, longing for company the way the sky yearns for the moon. "Are you there?" he whispers to the void. Slowly extending his arm towards the darkness, a firm grip suddenly seizes his hand.

A small yet a strong grip, out of sight, clutched in impenetrable darkness. Yet he knew, his little friend was there. The bond of two souls was not visible yet stronger than any chain. As tears fell his eyes, collapsed to darkness, the moon came from the clutch of the world and shine once more, illuminating both just like the day of the past.

A small yet strong grip, felt but made invisible by the darkness. It was his little friend, his other little friend. A grip of a friend long forgotten, fingers whose touches felt like coming home--- the softness of the palm, the warmth of a familiar hand, the extra thumb sticking out. And the gentle glow of the moon upon the child's face marked the opening of a sentence left unsaid, words suspended in sullen air, oscillating between these two identical faces, "I am you."

The quiet night went by, only the orchestra of cicadas and the gentle moon surrounded them. As their hands tangled and clasped together, like a tangled fate, words ought not be spoken, it was the heart that spoke. The warmth, reminded him of who he truly was. The brighter him who looked upon the days with optimism, who stand straight even when poured and soaked by the rain of mocking. As they hugged, they were, once again become one as the night became warmer.

For a brief second their embrace was broken as the boy looked up, "How have I waited for you to welcome me as I am." After saying these words, they just stayed that way, a boy and a man, two silhouettes huddled close, darker than the darkness surrounding them, yet totally at peace with themselves, with each other, with the world.

It had been years, as the man looked back on the past, who now lingered beside him. As the nostalgic moonlight brought him back to his childhood, the wind whistled peaceful songs. In the cradle of the wind, the man finally made peace with himself, four thumbs, not an accident, but a blessing.

E N D



Your palms lined with words
Each heartbeat an adventure,

Your soul, a story. 


Thursday, August 18, 2016

Friday, August 5, 2016