Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Thursday, January 5, 2023

The Cough that Wakes You Up at Night

Of the many things that I brought with me from my life decades ago as a teenager until now, this blogger account has got to be one of the more enduring ones for not only has this served as my electronic output for our creative writing class, this has also served as part-journal part-expression board throughout my angsty college years as well.


The love for the sake of love...

The other one is my love for writing, although now, it should be more aptly named as my love for the love of writing, for not only have I completely stopped keeping record of the nuances of my life since November 2022 after my 5-year journal completely ran out of pages, I have also skipped on my snail mail writing via the Slowly app. Until of course, Christmas season arrived when I frantically took out my baby blue Hermes typewriter from its case on the TV rack (and which I have bought with my first salary from when I started working as a nurse with NHS England), and penned a few cards for my family and friends from around UK, the Philippines, right across the Atlantic, and my first ever card to Japan!



Just a couple days back, we marked the start of another year, I am led to question whether this act of logging into my account after a long time is a genuine attempt of taking back what I once lost, or simply a feeble attempt of implementing the very popular practice of New Year's Resolution.

At this point, I am just recovering from a very bad case of flu which hit me a couple days after Christmas, and two consecutive 13-hr shift in the Emergency Department (the first of which being my worst shift ever in my entire career!); today, I went to get my prescription for a chest infection, and still managed to show up to my appointment with my research mentor where we got to discuss a little bit about my proposed study which is part of my 6-month internship with the trust's research department. 

Truthfully, this is one of the things I want to do with my life... and this blog has actually been a silent witness of all of my wishful thinkings, way back during my teenage years.

Browsing through my past entries, and though there was hardly any over the past few years, one realizes how relative the passing of time is to every individual, in this case, to every platform. Twenty-twenty was just one blog post away from this, however, for the rest of the world, this has been a turning point on global health, health policies, and economics among many other things involving the security not just of each nation and its citizens, but the future of the entire human species.

There are so many things that can be written about this period, a still ongoing nightmare for many parts of the world including back home, but whenever I think of my experiences right from the start particularly enduring a 6-month lockdown in Manila, essentially being thrown into living in the same house with a few other people I barely knew (think Pinoy Big Brother but lockdown), being away from home to work abroad in the middle of a pandemic and never seeing my family for almost 3 years-- every single element of what happened to me feels like a lifetime away, that I find myself at a loss for words to describe it.

However, even with the many things that this situation has taken away from me, it has not given me a few things back, rather it has led me to experience other things which I would have described as 'beautiful' under different circumstances: first, I found a much deeper appreciation for my brother with whom I have endured the lockdown with and the big move of working in another country; second, I have been brought to closer to the strangers who shared the same traumatic events with me and that just by finding ourselves at the same place at the same time on that particular moment, we have been 'forcibly' connected into a friendship which eventually blossomed and endured, and that we  will always have this shared story which we will tell even our children's children in the years to come; and lastly, there is this truth-- that it is possible to love someone so surely, that at one singular moment, everything can be so hopeless yet you have chosen this person to be the sole reason why you think life is still beautiful, to have given this person such power, and to believe this with all your heart.


He is the sun, the wind, and the alien...


[to be updated soon -RN]

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Love, It Is


It is waking up to the sound of rain and the rumbling of thunder wrapped in warmth that somewhere the sun rises gently over your head.

It is waking up, seeing a glimpse of your face that make me grateful each morning. It is your tender love wrapping my day in rainbow.

It is reading the lines of a book in a quiet corner of the room seeing your face as I read these words out loud to you.

It is reciting your words in my mind which makes me remember of how blessed I am.

It is learning the same dance steps for the rest of eternity and feeling as if we've just danced it for the first time.

It is watching the same night sky for a thousand times and finally meeting the stars one by one.

It is uttering your name in my prayers and resting peacefully in the thought that I am in yours.

It is sleeping in your tight embrace where I'm certain that I will never be lonely.

It is doing the same old things the way I've always done before. It is doing these same old things but with a resurrected soul.

And one day, it is finally being reduced to dust, yet choosing a thousand times over to be a part of the air that fills your lungs for a moment than return to the stars and burn gloriously for eternity.

Do you feel it?

Each of your particles is entangled with mine.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

A Boy, an Ant, and the Moon

It's been two years since I last wrote an entry and it's actually a pleasant surprise that my blogger account is connected to Gmail, hence, this opportune chance to log in seamlessly. I've just realized that I've been posting at least annually since I started this blog in high school but for the past 2 years, I got too caught up in work I wasn't able to publish one for myself to read, at least. 

But I had a one in a million chance of meeting a person who reminded me of how wonderful it is to write and who also apparently likes weird competitions (his words, not mine) i.e. creating short stories, such as this. So, to the two people who are reading this part of the internet, Hello!


                       Here's a short story made across a thousand miles,
through a few dozen Slowly letter exchanges,
by two people anticipating Easter.

Like rainbow that can be painted over grey canvas, and so life can be colorful over the grey past.                                                                                       Mycota

One two three four, what numbers are for? One is my love, two maybe nice, three is too much, four is...accident. One two three four, what numbers are for? Two times one equal one times two, why bother with the calculation if you don't have to? Alas the answer is just two.

He had always been the outsider, the weird kid with two thumbs...on his right hand, and two on his left. So that when they started counting their fingers and toes in first grade, his would always end two numbers more than the rest. And when he was asked to describe himself in just two words the first day of high school, he replied, "Bad at counting."

But he had always been two steps ahead, as he thought that having two more thumbs is better than having two less... And it certainly better than having two faces.

At least physically, he didn't magically grow another face. Yet like the moon graced with two faces, she who regally struts her beauty across the night sky, her dark side kept away from everyone's view, he had, on the other hand, been keeping others from seeing the light of his soul and instead chose to always show the world a dim facade. Being always two steps ahead, he did this to himself.

And that night, the moon was full, glowing upon him as he sat on the terrace. A tiny wanderer climbed to his hand. A creature with four more legs, an ant. He put up his tiny guest to the level of his eyes, scrutinize him as he climbed further to the tip of his thumb, just like a pinnacle of a mountain where he could enjoy the moonlight. What was the purpose of eyes if not to appreciate differences, he thought to himself.

Hence began the start of a wonderful friendship--- that of the four-thumbed human and the six-legged creature, an ant, who, despite its size is actually one of the strongest beings in the planet. A few moments ago, he was just carrying the boy's heavy gaze. But as the night went on, the ant found himself also carrying the boy's heavy heart.

The night was beautiful and the wind was gentle. For long the ant had stayed, before he finally let himself down. He stopped and gave the boy a final gaze, an acknowledgement and admiration before continuing his journey. From the queen he came, to the queen, he serve. The encounter was short, but the boy realized, from God he came, to God he serve, and in Him, he found his meaning.

The next time they met, the atmosphere was just as peaceful and the wind was just as gentle as the night of their first encounter. But now the boy is sitting by the window, the ant on his palm and together they waited for the disappearance of the moon. As hours passed by, the moon gradually changed its color, a thin red curtain was being drawn to cover her solemn face. The boy stared amazed, he didn't dare blink. Nor did the ant. For ants cannot blink even if they wanted to.

It is the dream afraid of waking that never take the chance. So the boy stood in his feet on top of resolution that won't blink even in fierce stormy life. He had now, the strength of an ant to heave the burden of every troubles, the illuminating sun to guide him, gentle moon to console him, and an ant to fight with him. He speak to the ant, 'Today, we're going to make the world our friend'.

But alas! It seems that the World heard their plan and thought he is too superior to be included in that puny friendship. For even as the minutes turned to hours, the duo waited in vain for the moon's reappearance in the night sky but she never did. The World's darkness swallowed the Moon and he refuses to give her back. The boy and the ant are now beginning to panic!

As the trees and grass wilted, and so they boy's heart started to wither. In the pitch black of terrifying night, the boy realized the darkness of his own heart. Anger and dissatisfaction. Voices echoed within his head. One two three four, what numbers are for? One step to misfortune, two steps from calamity, three devils dancing among him in the rectangle of demons!

"Matter exists in four physical states" - that's what their physics teacher told them. But why does it seem to him that he, a solid human being, is starting to dissipate into thin air with each step he takes at the school hallways? People look his way but choose to unsee him, everyday. So, in what state does a tangible but invisible object exist? To that he added the fifth: a paradox!

"A paradox!" He exclaimed. What a convenient state he thought. In an environment that defies logic, one couldn't be wrong. There was no judgement for all the truth was himself to determine. Thus began his conviction that what truly matter was himself.

It is a whole different world where everything seems to move at a pace based on the viewer's perception of its relevance; it is where a sunrise could take an entire lifetime, the falling of a leaf a decade, or the escaping of terrors just a split second. It is a world where his thought is god!

All by myself... All by myself he repeated. And a question struck him, like a thunder with flashing realization.. What was the meaning of himself? Could one be meaningful for oneself? This world conquered by his mind, but the mind can't conquer itself, for it can't help but felt lonely.

So on that rare summer night, when the night was much darker, and the wind much colder, he curled up on his bed, hugging himself and missing his little friend, longing for company the way the sky yearns for the moon. "Are you there?" he whispers to the void. Slowly extending his arm towards the darkness, a firm grip suddenly seizes his hand.

A small yet a strong grip, out of sight, clutched in impenetrable darkness. Yet he knew, his little friend was there. The bond of two souls was not visible yet stronger than any chain. As tears fell his eyes, collapsed to darkness, the moon came from the clutch of the world and shine once more, illuminating both just like the day of the past.

A small yet strong grip, felt but made invisible by the darkness. It was his little friend, his other little friend. A grip of a friend long forgotten, fingers whose touches felt like coming home--- the softness of the palm, the warmth of a familiar hand, the extra thumb sticking out. And the gentle glow of the moon upon the child's face marked the opening of a sentence left unsaid, words suspended in sullen air, oscillating between these two identical faces, "I am you."

The quiet night went by, only the orchestra of cicadas and the gentle moon surrounded them. As their hands tangled and clasped together, like a tangled fate, words ought not be spoken, it was the heart that spoke. The warmth, reminded him of who he truly was. The brighter him who looked upon the days with optimism, who stand straight even when poured and soaked by the rain of mocking. As they hugged, they were, once again become one as the night became warmer.

For a brief second their embrace was broken as the boy looked up, "How have I waited for you to welcome me as I am." After saying these words, they just stayed that way, a boy and a man, two silhouettes huddled close, darker than the darkness surrounding them, yet totally at peace with themselves, with each other, with the world.

It had been years, as the man looked back on the past, who now lingered beside him. As the nostalgic moonlight brought him back to his childhood, the wind whistled peaceful songs. In the cradle of the wind, the man finally made peace with himself, four thumbs, not an accident, but a blessing.

E N D



Your palms lined with words
Each heartbeat an adventure,

Your soul, a story. 


Sunday, July 31, 2016

You're

You are the regrets upon waking up in the morning
And the hopelessness that haunts me at night

You are the believer of eternal life
But the condemner of humans- sinners & saints alike

It is not your darkness that scares me

But in the absence of light,
You could be me and I could be you

You are what scares me for
Everything that I don't want to be- you are.


Losing the Sun on a Sunday

I woke up extra early today so I could go review the part on Disaster & emergency preparedness I'm supposed to talk about at church. Sadly, the water supply was cut off lasting for a few hours and so I ended up staying home (not my home) watching carpool karaoke on Youtube.

And I figured out that I should write down all the random thoughts running across my mind lately.

First off, I had my second panel interview at the Bureau of Quarantine a few weeks ago. I came there feeling so dressed up in my black Hello Kitty long sleeves, camouflage skinny jeans and velvet clogs only to realize that the other interviewees wore blazers & pencil skirts, stockings & low-heeled shoes, red lipsticks & mascaras. Looking back, I was never really intimidated by being so under dressed; I was so used to that feeling.

While waiting for each of our turns, we managed to talk to each other and realizing that all 7 of us at the area were being interviewed for one position (okay so I initially thought that I was applying for the HEPO-Iloilo position, turns out I wasn't). And I managed to meet this person from Batangas who told me that he initially also wanted to be a nurse, after learning that all of us except him were registered nurses, but that he wasn't able to pursue that dream saying "Ang taas kasi ng pangarap ko. Gusto ko sa UP." Though he felt bad seeing most of his classmates receiving letters from UP except the four of them who put nursing degree as their first choice, he said that he had no regrets finishing his Chemistry degree in PUP.

Even in such a short conversation, I was struck with the different ways on how souls affect each other on different levels. We managed to talk about the need for social reforms in the health & education sector, on how that 50-centavo increase on the previously 12 pesos per unit tuition fee might seem laughable to some but actually means a whole lot of money to others hence the protests, the struggles of being delayed and finishing college longer, and the uncertainties of growing up, trying to find work as well as your place in the society.

Okay. This is not a confession to a senpai. I don't even think I'll even see him around ever again as I really think he's one of those souls I was destined to meet only once but surely one I'll remember for a long time.

Meanwhile, I am still stuck here in the unending cycle of doing nothing but thinking about everything especially questioning the purpose of my existence. And true enough, every time I'm about to touch that dense black void of "Why can't there just be nothing---no humans, no earth, no universe (or parallel universe) & no Greater Power)?" I am catapulted back to asking "What exactly is nothing?" and is there even a feel to it? This used to happen a lot when I'm sitting at our van's passenger seat by the way. Now it just happens a lot every time.

But thankfully, I got accepted to my "target" workplace after almost 4 months of waiting (and thinking & regretting why I didn't send more resumes to wherever hospitals & facilities my size 6 feet and size 10 sense of adventure would take me). I'm really excited to finally get a job instead of just being a busy sloth since I really fear I'm gaining weight but never skills nor wisdom the past months. And to be honest, I'm quite surprised that I managed to lose 5 kilos *literally* by not doing anything.

Oh wait I know why! I'm hardly eating breakfast. But skipping breakfast makes body metabolism slower since the body is tricked that it's starving hence it tries to store energy sources (spell save the fats!) for cells' future consumption.

Anyway, I let people know about that letter, they congratulate me, all seemingly ends well except that it doesn't. I mean really. Also, all kinds of lab fees are expensive.

And it hurts me to remember all the past patients I've encountered in PGH having to undergo all the lab exams on a daily basis and not having enough money to even buy their food.

Yes, a wider coverage for the NHIP (PhilHealth) is good but it's not exactly the best solution there is to achieving a "Healthier Pinoy, Healthier 'Pinas" situation.

The past few times my younger brother goes back here from San Juan, he's been bringing me ziplocks full of syringes, needles & IV starter packs which really made my face light up. Seriously, I've never gotten these much before (he said he has a yellow bag full of 'em, I'm still waiting for the bandage tapes he promised). And I'm planning on stocking on these things as much as I can for future public hospital use. And as I was wallowing in this negligible, materialistic celebration, I was reminded of how private-public partnerships work.

Sure I'll have all these equipment at my disposal whenever I'll run out of my own supplies but that won't make me reliant, heck, it would make me dependent on the mercies of availability. That these resources being provided are just as good as the transient 'goodness' of a capitalist's mind last; that this is a tatanga-tangang nurse applying band aid to prevent the postpartum hemorrhage of a bleeding "puta" named Pilipinas.

Monday, June 13, 2016

The Problem, Not the Solution


The world has been constantly connected at the turn of this century and just this week, we have dealt with numerous issues including a number of highly publicized deaths. 

Yes, it is disheartening to know that society chooses to be cruel even in the face of music, beauty and faith; that it chooses to end lives in the face of freedom, love and acceptance. But it is also a comfort to know that these lives which ended prematurely in violence cannot be buried and stomped over in earthly graves.

As long as people remember, their lives and countless others will forever be resurrected with every stories retold.

We have a voice. We cannot be silenced. Not by violence, hate nor bigotry. 



Waiting for the Known Unknown

I came to Manila last April with no viable career plans whatsoever, only a few certainties; first, that I'll be spending the future months getting a job and performing adequately in whichever workplace I'll get into, and that I still couldn't bring myself to going back and submitting the requirements in the tertiary hospital where I had most of my clinical experience. I have yet to find the courage in me to admit that I can function competently on a regular basis in such an environment.

Thankfully, an opportunity came. I had the chance to get my IV training at a nearby specialized tertiary hospital and where the assistant chief nurse is a kababayan who encouraged me to try applying for a position there.

Still waiting. Almost two months after submitting my resume, a month after taking the proficiency exams, and four days after going through a panel interview, I patiently wait for the results.

To be perfectly honest, I've never felt so inadequate in my life (since our Research defense last June 2015) as I did sitting right in the center of that long table, surrounded by the institution's department heads during the panel interview.

I guess I was squeaking in response to all the questions they were asking me the whole 10 minutes that the interview lasted. At the same time, I've never been so elaborate with my "passion" for research and community health than that exact moment when they asked me why I considered working for them more than anywhere else.



It makes me humbled and thankful to have found something to be passionate about in this early part of my nursing career. So much can happen in a span of one year and although my dreams of working in the marine science field is still far from over, the singular truth remains- Conservation is not a career but a lifestyle.

I guess I'll see later how everything turns out. For now, I try to learn and live as much as I can. 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

After Death For Cures

These words, "after death for cures", were actually taken from George Herbert's Life, a poem (ironically ) written about death. 

About the Author
George Herbert was a Welsh poet, orator and Anglican priest who lived during the Elizabethan era. The Temple, published in 1633, the same year he died, is a collection which includes most of what the world knows of his metaphysical poetry. As Mark Jarman in Hudson Review wrote, "Reading through The Temple, one does have the sense in poem after poem of being in the presence of a private conversation between the poet and his God."

source: http://hudsonreview.com/2014/10/writing-for-god-the-life-and-work-of-george-herbert/#.V1g17Pl97IU

About the Poem
Like his poem Vertue, this poem by Herbert is an imagery to the transience of life, particularly for people living then when even Herbert's own death at 39 was not uncommon.

How short is the day! How short do flowers live! How short is my life!

These are the commonly painted images going back even to the Old Testament days when Prophet Isaiah said, "The grass withers and the flowers fall" (Isaiah 40:8)

Back in the days when bathing was as rare as living past one's fifties, posies were commonly picked for their aroma; its scent was used to mask decaying odor, the pungent smell of disease, and everything else suspended in the air of the medieval streets. Posies then were valued for their medicinal aroma or sweet savour; the term for disguise in taste is 'sugaring'.

And we can see how the posy was symbolized in all of the three stanzas of the poem: brevity in the first, as a guard against the smell and taste of death in the next stanza, and usefulness that goes beyond death in the last.

I made a posy, while the day ran by: 
“Here will I smell my remnant out, and tie 
                           My life within this band.” 
But Time did beckon to the flowers, and they 
By noon most cunningly did steal away, 
                           And withered in my hand. 

My hand was next to them, and then my heart; 
I took, without more thinking, in good part 
                           Time’s gentle admonition; 
Who did so sweetly death’s sad taste convey, 
Making my mind to smell my fatal day, 
                           Yet, sug’ring the suspicion. 

Farewell dear flowers, sweetly your time ye spent, 
Fit, while ye lived, for smell or ornament, 
                           And after death for cures. 
I follow straight without complaints or grief, 
Since, if my scent be good, I care not if 
                           It be as short as yours.

source: http://crossref-it.info/textguide/metaphysical-poets-selected-poems/4/252

The Blog Title
I first read this poem from an old copy of Our Daily Bread back in high school and as most devastatingly beautiful poems about human limitations & mortality, this one stayed with me.

This poem was a remnant of the shadow of death following me when I rise early in the morning, a peripheral view of life's transience; this was the steady beating of a long-forgotten song which in vain I try to hum while standing beside someone else's death bed; and this was the longing for a validation of my life lived and not just of an existence wasted.

I badly want to start writing again with all the freedom I have to release the words without the hate, and to begin returning to point zero where once upon a time I proudly stood not regretting nor blaming others for all the choices I made.

I guess this is me growing up and this is me coming into terms with reality that just as much as I want to live, I also do not want to stop living after my death.

This is me writing my eulogy.

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Haunting

"The Ocean was never my escape; she had always been my destination."

When one day you decide to come to a halt, I want you to look behind your shoulder and see not the hopelessness and regrets you've managed to store within the four corners where death lingers around; I want you to see how far you've managed to travel away from the shore and into the heart of the ocean.

These sleepless nights shall not be filled with the eerie silence of soul-voided bodies but with the turbulent crash of waves along the shores; not with the blinding operating room headlights but with the faint glow of protozoans suspended in the sea and the distant burning stars, existing not for you but for themselves, perhaps.

You will run in haste not for someone else but towards that meeting place where you'll slowly tread across the shallow, rolling saltwater. You will learn names, you will gaze for hours at the horizon, you will go deeper, you will float, you will embrace and never learn to fear because by then, you will be in a place you loved most.

You will hardly remember the salty taste of tears on your lips for when you are with the ocean, you will shed your tears no more.


This passive passion 
is why it's impossible;
why it stays a dream.

(image from Neil Gaiman's The Ocean at the End of the Lane)



Monday, December 29, 2014

Life in Pink

The lady picked up the rose her lover had given her a fortnight before. It had lain there for weeks, untouched in her drawer; a thorned, bent abomination, marking his departure.

Mindlessly she started plucking the petals one after the other; her blood-red lips, which had once enjoyed his kisses and showered him declarations, was now a broken record playing a song with only two lines- "You loved me, You loved me not."

Now as she closes the song, two petals were left barely holding on.

And as she softly uttered, "You loved me not", her love seen through rose-colored glasses turned grey when she heard the last petal's clear echo "...loved me not" as it too slowly fell to the ground.

------------------------

On a totally different note, here are a few of the La Vie en Rose versions I've found on the internet:
the first was by Daniela Andrada, the second, by Pablo Alborán, and the last by Melody Gardot.


"La Vie en Rose" , literally means" Life in Pink" but can be translated as  "Life in Rosy Hues" or "Life Through Rose-Colored Glasses", was the signature song of French cabaret singer Ã‰dith PiafThe lyrics of the song were written by Édith Piaf herself, and the melody was composed by Marguerite Monnot and Louis Guglielmi. [Wikipedia]








An early spring music treat for myself.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What the Candle Taught Me

Sound of falling raindrops accompany me tonight as I begin writing these thoughts down on the last pages of my Little Prince journal. Electric power had gone out an hour ago and I’m still here on our dining table, settling down as I have just lit another candle so I could continue this solitary activity. And so I write. While staring but for a few moments at the bent candle in front of me.

It amazes me how one discovers great lessons from such simple daily objects- if only one finds the time to look closely. 


I did. And this is what the candle taught me.
Lessons from a Candle

The candle, though bent as a result of poor positioning upon storage, isn’t yet broken. And as long as it’s still a candle, it has a purpose it currently fulfills.

Candles are formed under high temperature. Wax has to be melted and fitted onto the mold for its desired shape to come out. It’s never an easy journey in achieving a goal.

They all come in different shapes and sizes, nevertheless, it’s the wick that ultimately defines why candles are valued.

Candles are celebrations of life and death; they have topped birthday cakes amidst the joyous celebration and they have wept with those who mourn for the passing away of a loved one.

The candle weeps for its death, more precisely, it weeps while its dying. But that doesn’t stop it from burning, from living.

Even after  death, they give life to newer ones. The melted wax never loses its purpose even upon the end of the previous candle of which it once was a (great) part of. The opportunity to be a part of a newer candle is always there.

And the lesson we all know too well- their light brings hope even in the darkest of nights (literally). Theirs are the most reliable when everything else fails, even human technology (Yes, I’m talking about power outage).


Candle burning bright,
Let your fire purge my darkness-
I be pure as flame.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

An Extended Weekend

Despite the continuous fall of rain in this place, I just feel so dry. My spirit feels so dead. I've told myself a hundred times to revive the life which I had found before I got in this place.

Now the streets are flooded, many people try to stay warm... but I am like a homeless person, I am cold and wet and tired. And these walls aren't giving me any comfort. These walls I've built around myself make me feel isolated.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Nursing, College of Nursing!

This profession is ironic:

We promote proper sleep when we stay up late at night doing paper works, proper nutrition when we skip our meals because of extended duty hours (*insert other relevant reasons here*).

We teach and care for those in need but I find it more beautiful when we learn a greater deal of life lessons from those whom we teach and gratefulness from those people whom our profession exists for.

You say thank you, well, let me thank you too.


So far,
so good.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Behind my Love for Books

[------------composed: September 10,2012----------]
I love reading. Or I used to love reading, until I slowly lost my personal time and profound love for it when I went to college. Instead of continuing my "first loves" on everything such as reading, writing, and marine science, I've been catapulted into some space, much farther than when the angry birds are shot at exactly 45 degrees.

Recently, I've been purchasing books, partly because I want to read them. The other reason is just because I want to collect something. I've been 'lazily' working on preserving what's left of my being a bibliophiliac. I have been tsunduko-ing for the past months and I have a lot of book affairs left unfinished.

Then, one night, as I was browsing the net, my thoughts returned to those unforgettable firsts I had with reading. I was always fascinated with books, my first series was "Disney's Treasure Chest" which contained very huge (for me at that time) thin, soft bound books of The Little Mermaid, Peter Pan and The Jungle Book. I used to read books just because of the pictures and I've greatly found amazement in them.

My first novel was Anne of Green Gables, and our first encyclopedia set at home, Grolier's I Wonder Why was my past time. I would read two to three books each day and when I’m finished with the entire set, I would never get tired of re-reading them again.

But what was it that really got me as far as here.

It was an article I had read back in fourth grade. Tatay would always bring home a copy/copies of the Reader's Digest, which he'd borrow from our  uncle, whenever he goes to the city. One time, he brought home an issue and as usual, after waiting for him to finish reading it, I took my sit on our dining table and started reading from the first page until I got to the middle part.

A Songbird Without Wings, was the title of the article. And at that time, the only songbird I know was Regine Velasquez. Words were soon read, sentences and then paragraphs. I was onto the next page, and by that time, If You're Not the One was playing on our local FM Radio. Without knowing what overcame me, tears were really streaming down my face, I wasn't just crying softly, tears were falling down my face like I've just been scolded by Tatay whenever I did something wrong. I was crying hard.

I was crying maybe because of the fact that she was very much trustful and hopeful of the world around her despite the persecution they're in simply because they're Jewish; perhaps because they were captured 4 months after Peter and her shared their first kiss, a young love which failed to blossom was cut off while it was just a bud. Or maybe I simply related myself to Anne, of her longing to ride a bike, (because ours was broken at that time and it took a long time of waiting for Tatay to buy us one), of her wanting to whistle, (because I never learned how to until I was in 6th grade), or maybe because she died young, (I had always been afraid of dying earlier than her, I think I need not be anymore).
I've finally read the article for the second time, after almost a decade (it's actually just 9 years but decade sounds long). I had just found out on the net that it was published in the May 2003 issue. I've attempted to look for it back in high school and when I was a freshman in college entering the university library for the first time. Back then, the only info I had was the title of the article and the assumption that the title was printed on the cover page.

And just this afternoon, I realized that I have to turn a few pages to the table of contents, to see the title. Thus my assumption was wrong.

While reading the article, somewhere at the back of my head, I was wondering how a simple article about just one of the many teenage victims of the Holocaust could affect not just the way I viewed the world but my way of life as well. And that same article years ago that got me crying and had me fall in love with reading answered my query,

 "One single Anne Frank moves us more than the countless others who suffered just as she did, but whose faces have remained in the shadows."

Restoring my love for reading would take time and effort, just like looking for the article that sparked my love for it. But the years that passed had been very wonderful, and I hope the future years would be the same.


Thank you Mr. Richard Covington 
for sharing your Anne Frank Museum experience.

Though it took me a decade :) to re-discover and re-read it,
the years that had passed were very wonderful.

And thank you Reader's Digest.
It's amazing what printed words could do to people.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I never thought I'd be posting this


I wrote/typed these lines on my Sketchpad (Evernote) last year when I found out that a friend dropped all of her N subjects and was planning to shift to another course/college. Then I decided to not make a big deal out of it since I'll be seeing a lot of her around the campus in the future. But then, she transferred to a university in Iloilo at the beginning of this semester and I just have to show her this screenshot.

Just so you know, wala ko pa man gina-istorya kamot ko. :)

I know she's having a good time in there; 
I wish I could say ,
"So am I."

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Paint the Sky

Paint the sky as it is.


I was on my way to work when I noticed that despite the generally sunny weather, most of the clouds had traces of gray on them.

And then, I just suddenly thought that if I was a painter (which I'm not), I would paint the sky the way I see it with my own eyes; though the weather might be good, there's always that gray color that can be seen along with the white fluffiness of the clouds.

And that if I am a writer, I shall try hard not to be biased in everything I write.

And that as a simple person living my 'everyday' different from my other days (monotony is definitely boring) I shall try to be as honest and straightforward as possible, and without regretting my act afterwards. AND NO SUGAR COATING! 

Friday, December 9, 2011

PreChristmas Blessings from God. Already.


It’s almost December 14. I’m going to miss our possible film viewing in Humanities 1, I’ll be absent on our Pharmacology class leaving me to do a self-study on Anesthesia but- I’m going home earlier than my ‘other’ classmates. [note: OTHER classmates- classmates who’ll be riding on the plane to get home].


I’m excited to go home primarily because it’s home. AND some ‘other’ reasons:

#2. I have two Libera CDs waiting for me! And they’re not just Libera CDs since they’re only available online nowadays.

#3. We finally got a bike! Yea~ my dream of cycling across the province might just come true this Christmas break.

#4. I got five pairs of shoes. That’s the most number of pairs I’ll be getting at once in my whole life. AND they’re all flats. [last line: I hope so.]

#5. SKC camp. The SKC camp brings back a lot of childish yet good memories.

SUPER thanks to Tita Nemy. Without her, I wouldn’t have reasons 2 and 4. [SUPER- may kapa at lumilipad. –Bob Ong]

And to the Canadian missionaries who gave us 2 bikes. Red was so happy to have the smaller one. I bet my brother and I would be fighting over the other one when I get home.

Guimaras= 
lots of water and vegetables+
swimming on the beach+
very fresh air
(no mangoes and avocados yet)




Saturday, November 12, 2011

3rd of Part 1



the actions of discipline at home.
the parents.

Tatay. My brother and I had been hit by a number of things already ranging from the traditional leather belt (where our parents make us fetch ourselves), its metal buckle as well, the walis tingting not in bundles but in two's or three's (it's stingy), the piece of kawayan which was already cut to be a part of the flooring (inugsalog nga kawayan), the hanger which eventually ends up broken once it touches our hard butts and the luwagThe luwag is our alternative sud-an; it usually comes into action whenever we refuse to eat what's on our plates. It's either that or the liwit (the eel or *drumroll* the belt!).

The things listed above where those my brother and I shared. I, on the other hand, got more than that. Tatay once slapped my right face with a slipper because I said the G-word. We were never allowed to say that at home, at school, anywhere. And my brother and I would say them not to express our anger (if we ever know what expressing our anger means) but rather to anger our parents. We really know how to make the blood rush to their heads. One word is all it takes. The G-word is the push button.
Tatay's line: "Luwagon ta ka karon."
Nanay. Nanay, as I've said earlier, rarely uses the belt or the hitting method in general. She has this handy weapon in her--- her hands! She would pinch really thin portions of our skin and turn it until just a little less than 360 degrees
- and she knows we would all wish we never did whatever we did wrong in the first place.
Her target spots are either our legs or on 'that small portion I now know as the region just a little above the Tail of Spence." The second region, we dubbed as the one that "makes you grow taller". Why so? Every time she does the pinch on that part, there would always be an accompanying upward pull and thus, we are forced to stand tiptoe just so we could at least lessen the pain.
It was Nanay who had me and my brother ate green chili peppers because we said bad words. Those where the same chili peppers we grew near our house and which we fetched and ate ourselves, all under her command of course.

Nanay's line: "Gusto mo naman malubagan ay?"
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2nd of Part 1


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Are mothers supposed to be more kuripot than fathers?
Where Tatay would buy us rolls of 1 whole, 1/2 crosswise & lengthwise and 1/4 pads, Nanay would buy as a roll of 1 whole paper and tell us to "just cut them at school since it still is the same paper."
Where Tatay would give us 20 pesos a day during our elementary days, Nanay would send us to school with two, five, or luckily ten pesos in our pockets. I remember that time when Nanay gave me two pesos for my afternoon baon. I was rushing to school since I'm about too be late. Seeing those two 'Rizal-headed' coins proudly staring back at me got me really so mad that I threw it right back at my mother. Up until now, I really felt bad about that time. She got so angry at me that she gave me one of her trademark actions of discipline. She pinched a thin portion of the foreskin on my leg and turned it 270 degrees. And I tell you it really hurts; my blue skirt did nothing to lessen the force she exerted on doing that 'motherly pinching'.
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1st of Part 1


...these are actually random musings on how I remember my childhood, the people in the home I came to know (or the people I came to know in our home) and the events that happened inside and outside that home....

This is the part where my younger sister, 7 years younger than me to be exact, is still too young to be involved or simply, wasn't yet born...
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While most mothers would hum a lullaby or gently pat their kids to sleep, Nanay, on the other hand, would stroke our eyebrows until we (that is, my brother and I) would doze off. I can still remember that feeling until now; I sometime close my eyes as I lay down and stroke my eyebrows gently and once again, feel like I was back in our small house in the province years ago lying on  my Nanay's lap and feeling her soft finger tips tracing my eyebrows.


Though we were taught in our Human Development subject that almost all of the people has this childhood amnesia thing where they cannot remember the things that had happened to them when they were 3 years and younger, there are just some important moments in my toddler years that seem so unforgettable.

I still can remember that feeling of calmness such simple gesture brings up until now. My brother and I would lie near Nanay almost every afternoon. She would tell us to go to sleep but then I would each fake my sleep (I don't know if my brother was doing the same) and just let her continue this short ritual we shared. A bond a mother forms with her children moments before she sends them off to dreamland.
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Tatay used to work as a nurse in San Lazaro but later on came back and stayed for good when I was about to start elementary school. So he was never really there when we were starting to learn our first words and taking our first steps. BUT I remember him being there when we first rode our trainer-free bicycle and after that, learning how to ride a scooter we got from our Tita Nemy and then our very own skate shoes.

Tatay would bake donuts, usually chocolate-flavored ones during our birthday and then when we got a waffle maker later on, shifted on making those. Over the years, he started making all sorts of food at home such as pizza, baked milkfish, our favorite pancake and 'combo' etc. I always take pride in tatay's dishes especially when guests would come eat at home.

Nanay had tried a number of times to copy Tatay's dishes and my younger brother, my younger sister and I would make fun of her since it would either be too salty or too bland. She never got angry at us until that one moment when we totally complained on the way she fried the fish (copying Tatay's style). It was way too salty and then we started making fun of it. My mother really turned red (she easily turns red anyway) and she straight away told my siblings and I to just shut up and eat the food.

My Tita's (we call her Nene) cooking is another matter. . She once forgot to put seasonings on the instant noodle she was cooking. My cousins and I were all eating it while complaining that it was sooo tasteless. Just as we were about to finish up the meal, I decided to ask her if she actually put seasonings on the noodles and then it was when she saw the still unopened packets just lying near the gas range. We finished an entire meal of JUST boiled noodles.
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