Thursday, August 18, 2016
Friday, August 5, 2016
Double Exposure
I managed to find an online photo editor where I could upload a photo and turn it into a double exposure image. I wish I'd someday learn how to really do it on Photoshop.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
You're
You are the regrets upon waking up in the morning
And the hopelessness that haunts me at night
You are the believer of eternal life
But the condemner of humans- sinners & saints alike
It is not your darkness that scares me
But in the absence of light,
You could be me and I could be you
You are what scares me for
Everything that I don't want to be- you are.
And the hopelessness that haunts me at night
You are the believer of eternal life
But the condemner of humans- sinners & saints alike
It is not your darkness that scares me
But in the absence of light,
You could be me and I could be you
You are what scares me for
Everything that I don't want to be- you are.
Losing the Sun on a Sunday
I woke up extra early today so I could go review the part on Disaster & emergency preparedness I'm supposed to talk about at church. Sadly, the water supply was cut off lasting for a few hours and so I ended up staying home (not my home) watching carpool karaoke on Youtube.
And I figured out that I should write down all the random thoughts running across my mind lately.
First off, I had my second panel interview at the Bureau of Quarantine a few weeks ago. I came there feeling so dressed up in my black Hello Kitty long sleeves, camouflage skinny jeans and velvet clogs only to realize that the other interviewees wore blazers & pencil skirts, stockings & low-heeled shoes, red lipsticks & mascaras. Looking back, I was never really intimidated by being so under dressed; I was so used to that feeling.
While waiting for each of our turns, we managed to talk to each other and realizing that all 7 of us at the area were being interviewed for one position (okay so I initially thought that I was applying for the HEPO-Iloilo position, turns out I wasn't). And I managed to meet this person from Batangas who told me that he initially also wanted to be a nurse, after learning that all of us except him were registered nurses, but that he wasn't able to pursue that dream saying "Ang taas kasi ng pangarap ko. Gusto ko sa UP." Though he felt bad seeing most of his classmates receiving letters from UP except the four of them who put nursing degree as their first choice, he said that he had no regrets finishing his Chemistry degree in PUP.
Even in such a short conversation, I was struck with the different ways on how souls affect each other on different levels. We managed to talk about the need for social reforms in the health & education sector, on how that 50-centavo increase on the previously 12 pesos per unit tuition fee might seem laughable to some but actually means a whole lot of money to others hence the protests, the struggles of being delayed and finishing college longer, and the uncertainties of growing up, trying to find work as well as your place in the society.
Okay. This is not a confession to a senpai. I don't even think I'll even see him around ever again as I really think he's one of those souls I was destined to meet only once but surely one I'll remember for a long time.
Meanwhile, I am still stuck here in the unending cycle of doing nothing but thinking about everything especially questioning the purpose of my existence. And true enough, every time I'm about to touch that dense black void of "Why can't there just be nothing---no humans, no earth, no universe (or parallel universe) & no Greater Power)?" I am catapulted back to asking "What exactly is nothing?" and is there even a feel to it? This used to happen a lot when I'm sitting at our van's passenger seat by the way. Now it just happens a lot every time.
But thankfully, I got accepted to my "target" workplace after almost 4 months of waiting (and thinking & regretting why I didn't send more resumes to wherever hospitals & facilities my size 6 feet and size 10 sense of adventure would take me). I'm really excited to finally get a job instead of just being a busy sloth since I really fear I'm gaining weight but never skills nor wisdom the past months. And to be honest, I'm quite surprised that I managed to lose 5 kilos *literally* by not doing anything.
Oh wait I know why! I'm hardly eating breakfast. But skipping breakfast makes body metabolism slower since the body is tricked that it's starving hence it tries to store energy sources (spell save the fats!) for cells' future consumption.
Anyway, I let people know about that letter, they congratulate me, all seemingly ends well except that it doesn't. I mean really. Also, all kinds of lab fees are expensive.
And it hurts me to remember all the past patients I've encountered in PGH having to undergo all the lab exams on a daily basis and not having enough money to even buy their food.
Yes, a wider coverage for the NHIP (PhilHealth) is good but it's not exactly the best solution there is to achieving a "Healthier Pinoy, Healthier 'Pinas" situation.
The past few times my younger brother goes back here from San Juan, he's been bringing me ziplocks full of syringes, needles & IV starter packs which really made my face light up. Seriously, I've never gotten these much before (he said he has a yellow bag full of 'em, I'm still waiting for the bandage tapes he promised). And I'm planning on stocking on these things as much as I can for future public hospital use. And as I was wallowing in this negligible, materialistic celebration, I was reminded of how private-public partnerships work.
Sure I'll have all these equipment at my disposal whenever I'll run out of my own supplies but that won't make me reliant, heck, it would make me dependent on the mercies of availability. That these resources being provided are just as good as the transient 'goodness' of a capitalist's mind last; that this is a tatanga-tangang nurse applying band aid to prevent the postpartum hemorrhage of a bleeding "puta" named Pilipinas.
And I figured out that I should write down all the random thoughts running across my mind lately.
First off, I had my second panel interview at the Bureau of Quarantine a few weeks ago. I came there feeling so dressed up in my black Hello Kitty long sleeves, camouflage skinny jeans and velvet clogs only to realize that the other interviewees wore blazers & pencil skirts, stockings & low-heeled shoes, red lipsticks & mascaras. Looking back, I was never really intimidated by being so under dressed; I was so used to that feeling.
While waiting for each of our turns, we managed to talk to each other and realizing that all 7 of us at the area were being interviewed for one position (okay so I initially thought that I was applying for the HEPO-Iloilo position, turns out I wasn't). And I managed to meet this person from Batangas who told me that he initially also wanted to be a nurse, after learning that all of us except him were registered nurses, but that he wasn't able to pursue that dream saying "Ang taas kasi ng pangarap ko. Gusto ko sa UP." Though he felt bad seeing most of his classmates receiving letters from UP except the four of them who put nursing degree as their first choice, he said that he had no regrets finishing his Chemistry degree in PUP.
Even in such a short conversation, I was struck with the different ways on how souls affect each other on different levels. We managed to talk about the need for social reforms in the health & education sector, on how that 50-centavo increase on the previously 12 pesos per unit tuition fee might seem laughable to some but actually means a whole lot of money to others hence the protests, the struggles of being delayed and finishing college longer, and the uncertainties of growing up, trying to find work as well as your place in the society.
Okay. This is not a confession to a senpai. I don't even think I'll even see him around ever again as I really think he's one of those souls I was destined to meet only once but surely one I'll remember for a long time.
Meanwhile, I am still stuck here in the unending cycle of doing nothing but thinking about everything especially questioning the purpose of my existence. And true enough, every time I'm about to touch that dense black void of "Why can't there just be nothing---no humans, no earth, no universe (or parallel universe) & no Greater Power)?" I am catapulted back to asking "What exactly is nothing?" and is there even a feel to it? This used to happen a lot when I'm sitting at our van's passenger seat by the way. Now it just happens a lot every time.
But thankfully, I got accepted to my "target" workplace after almost 4 months of waiting (and thinking & regretting why I didn't send more resumes to wherever hospitals & facilities my size 6 feet and size 10 sense of adventure would take me). I'm really excited to finally get a job instead of just being a busy sloth since I really fear I'm gaining weight but never skills nor wisdom the past months. And to be honest, I'm quite surprised that I managed to lose 5 kilos *literally* by not doing anything.
Oh wait I know why! I'm hardly eating breakfast. But skipping breakfast makes body metabolism slower since the body is tricked that it's starving hence it tries to store energy sources (spell save the fats!) for cells' future consumption.
Anyway, I let people know about that letter, they congratulate me, all seemingly ends well except that it doesn't. I mean really. Also, all kinds of lab fees are expensive.
And it hurts me to remember all the past patients I've encountered in PGH having to undergo all the lab exams on a daily basis and not having enough money to even buy their food.
Yes, a wider coverage for the NHIP (PhilHealth) is good but it's not exactly the best solution there is to achieving a "Healthier Pinoy, Healthier 'Pinas" situation.
The past few times my younger brother goes back here from San Juan, he's been bringing me ziplocks full of syringes, needles & IV starter packs which really made my face light up. Seriously, I've never gotten these much before (he said he has a yellow bag full of 'em, I'm still waiting for the bandage tapes he promised). And I'm planning on stocking on these things as much as I can for future public hospital use. And as I was wallowing in this negligible, materialistic celebration, I was reminded of how private-public partnerships work.
Sure I'll have all these equipment at my disposal whenever I'll run out of my own supplies but that won't make me reliant, heck, it would make me dependent on the mercies of availability. That these resources being provided are just as good as the transient 'goodness' of a capitalist's mind last; that this is a tatanga-tangang nurse applying band aid to prevent the postpartum hemorrhage of a bleeding "puta" named Pilipinas.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Para kay ABC
TATLO ka bulan nga nagatambay sa internet, naga-basa sang libro, naga-tuon sa online classes.
DUWA ka kompanya ang ginpasahan ko sang resume, nag-exam, nag-interview, naga-asa.
ISA lang man ang ginapangayo ko.
Hatagi niyo ko obra.
Joke lang.
Kay man sa tuod-tuod, naga duwa-duwa na ko kung i-pursue ko man gihapon ang postgrad degree sa marine science. Amo man lang na gani ang ginakaptan ko samtang gapangabudlay sa nursing. Damo sang adlaw samtang ga duty sa ward nga gusto ko na lang gid ipahabyog tanan nga ginabitbit ko, maglumpiga sa hallway kag magwangal. Gin pep talk pa ko gani sang prof ko isa ka adlaw.
"Nga-a nga kada basa ko sang journal entry mo, daw exhausted lang makita ko?" Pamangkot ni Ma'am. *siyempre in tagalog*
"Kay sin-o gusto ang nursing haw?"
Siyempre lang gid masabat ko tuod. Mabinutig pa ko na nga kapoy na gid ko. "Kanday tatay, Ma'am."
"Ano gid bala gusto mo?" follow up question.
"Marine bio gid Ma'am first choice ko tani. Galing wala da kuno kwarta."
Nagpadayon ang istoryahanay asta nga ginhambalan ko ni Ma'am nga, "Tapusa lang ni. Pero kun maka-graduate ka kag magsulod ka pa sa hospital, imo na na desisyon as an adult. Indi mo na mabasol pa parents mo."
Maayo man kay naka-graduate ko. Para lang sa diploma kag sa sablay, gamayan ko na isablay kabuhi ko. Seryoso.
Nagpuli na ko dayon, kay didto ko ma-review para sa board exam.
Nami didto, buot man laban mga classmates ko, sagad man laban nga mga gatudlo.
Sa bugay sang Gino-o, taas nakuha ko nga board rating. Lipay kami eh.
Pagkatapos sang tanan nga congratulations, kag pasalamat balik naman gihapon sa umpisa.
Ano na sunod ko nga ubrahon?
Indi ko puwede kahibi kay daw nahibi ko naman tanan.
Indi man gid ko kakadlaw kay ang kaugalingon ko na man lang ang kadlawan ko.
Indi man ko pwede kauntat na lang, makontento sa kabuhi nga puro na lang trabaho.
DUWA ka kompanya ang ginpasahan ko sang resume, nag-exam, nag-interview, naga-asa.
ISA lang man ang ginapangayo ko.
Hatagi niyo ko obra.
Joke lang.
Kay man sa tuod-tuod, naga duwa-duwa na ko kung i-pursue ko man gihapon ang postgrad degree sa marine science. Amo man lang na gani ang ginakaptan ko samtang gapangabudlay sa nursing. Damo sang adlaw samtang ga duty sa ward nga gusto ko na lang gid ipahabyog tanan nga ginabitbit ko, maglumpiga sa hallway kag magwangal. Gin pep talk pa ko gani sang prof ko isa ka adlaw.
"Nga-a nga kada basa ko sang journal entry mo, daw exhausted lang makita ko?" Pamangkot ni Ma'am. *siyempre in tagalog*
"Kay sin-o gusto ang nursing haw?"
Siyempre lang gid masabat ko tuod. Mabinutig pa ko na nga kapoy na gid ko. "Kanday tatay, Ma'am."
"Ano gid bala gusto mo?" follow up question.
"Marine bio gid Ma'am first choice ko tani. Galing wala da kuno kwarta."
Nagpadayon ang istoryahanay asta nga ginhambalan ko ni Ma'am nga, "Tapusa lang ni. Pero kun maka-graduate ka kag magsulod ka pa sa hospital, imo na na desisyon as an adult. Indi mo na mabasol pa parents mo."
Maayo man kay naka-graduate ko. Para lang sa diploma kag sa sablay, gamayan ko na isablay kabuhi ko. Seryoso.
Nagpuli na ko dayon, kay didto ko ma-review para sa board exam.
Nami didto, buot man laban mga classmates ko, sagad man laban nga mga gatudlo.
Sa bugay sang Gino-o, taas nakuha ko nga board rating. Lipay kami eh.
Pagkatapos sang tanan nga congratulations, kag pasalamat balik naman gihapon sa umpisa.
Ano na sunod ko nga ubrahon?
Indi ko puwede kahibi kay daw nahibi ko naman tanan.
Indi man gid ko kakadlaw kay ang kaugalingon ko na man lang ang kadlawan ko.
Indi man ko pwede kauntat na lang, makontento sa kabuhi nga puro na lang trabaho.
Isa na lang ang nabilin: Ang mag-padayon.
Para kay C, ang bata nga nakilala ko sa Cancer Institute halos apat na katuig ang nagligad.
Dumduman mo to? Indi mo gusto nga palapitan ka sang mga naka-bayo sang puti kay nahadlok ka masakitan? Pero ginsaligan mo si Manang Rophy nga magpalapit kag makipag-hampang sa imo, nga maghatag sang imo bulong kag mag-upod sa imo pangita kay Nemo? Diin ka na ayhan subong man? Bal-an mo ayhan nga may Finding Dory na nga pelikula?
Para kay A, ang bata sa Burn Unit nga nakaya man gihapon mag-kadlaw sa pihak sang kahapdi sang iya nga nasunog nga panit. Una ko pa lang nga kita sa imo, ka cutie patootie ka gid. Sunod ko na lang nabal-an nga nasunog gali ang inyo balay, nga kun wala ka masapwan sang tupad-balay niyo sa kuna nga ginakup-an sang nagakalayo nga tela indi na gid ta tani magkita-ay?
Dumduman mo to? Kada palapit ko sa imo gawangal ka dayon, pakungkong ka dayon kay Mama mo. Siyempre nangayo ko bulig kay Mr. Panda kag sa mga nagsunod nga adlaw, gakanta na ta Old McDonald Had a Farm. Ay, kami lang gali ni Panda gakanta, gatulok ka lang kag gakadlaw.
Indi niyo na gid ni madumduman. Mga bata pa kamo. Pero nadumduman ko gid kamo. Bangod sa inyo, ma-nurse na gid si Manang Rophy niyo.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
The Sly Dimension
I rarely take selfies but when I do I take them in bulk. And they mostly involve me in my 4th dimension mode---the fangirl who likes mostly everything JP and Jang Geun Suk (long before most people got a crush on him in You're Beautiful, I got dibs on him first when he appeared in Hwang Jini). Also, we both love Bath & Body Works' Warm Vanilla Sugar scent, we could spend the entire day just smelling each other. (ew what did I just say?)
I was browsing through old files and I found these photos taken around 2 years ago. Interesting how I used to spend my alone times in our dorm room. Basically, I'm saving these here for myself. Thanks to Justine for the posters~ I kind of forgot where exactly in Divisoria we used to buy our Anime and KPop posters. Also, chances are, I'm just talking to myself in this blog.
If I don't talk to myself, no one else will. -Dara (2ne1)
who am i alone
who am i around people
i've yet to find out.
Monday, June 13, 2016
The Problem, Not the Solution
The world has been constantly connected at the turn of this century and just this week, we have dealt with numerous issues including a number of highly publicized deaths.
Yes, it is disheartening to know that society chooses to be cruel even in the face of music, beauty and faith; that it chooses to end lives in the face of freedom, love and acceptance. But it is also a comfort to know that these lives which ended prematurely in violence cannot be buried and stomped over in earthly graves.
As long as people remember, their lives and countless others will forever be resurrected with every stories retold.
We have a voice. We cannot be silenced. Not by violence, hate nor bigotry.
Waiting for the Known Unknown
I came to Manila last April with no viable career plans whatsoever, only a few certainties; first, that I'll be spending the future months getting a job and performing adequately in whichever workplace I'll get into, and that I still couldn't bring myself to going back and submitting the requirements in the tertiary hospital where I had most of my clinical experience. I have yet to find the courage in me to admit that I can function competently on a regular basis in such an environment.
Thankfully, an opportunity came. I had the chance to get my IV training at a nearby specialized tertiary hospital and where the assistant chief nurse is a kababayan who encouraged me to try applying for a position there.
Still waiting. Almost two months after submitting my resume, a month after taking the proficiency exams, and four days after going through a panel interview, I patiently wait for the results.
To be perfectly honest, I've never felt so inadequate in my life (since our Research defense last June 2015) as I did sitting right in the center of that long table, surrounded by the institution's department heads during the panel interview.
I guess I was squeaking in response to all the questions they were asking me the whole 10 minutes that the interview lasted. At the same time, I've never been so elaborate with my "passion" for research and community health than that exact moment when they asked me why I considered working for them more than anywhere else.
It makes me humbled and thankful to have found something to be passionate about in this early part of my nursing career. So much can happen in a span of one year and although my dreams of working in the marine science field is still far from over, the singular truth remains- Conservation is not a career but a lifestyle.
I guess I'll see later how everything turns out. For now, I try to learn and live as much as I can.
Thankfully, an opportunity came. I had the chance to get my IV training at a nearby specialized tertiary hospital and where the assistant chief nurse is a kababayan who encouraged me to try applying for a position there.
Still waiting. Almost two months after submitting my resume, a month after taking the proficiency exams, and four days after going through a panel interview, I patiently wait for the results.
To be perfectly honest, I've never felt so inadequate in my life (since our Research defense last June 2015) as I did sitting right in the center of that long table, surrounded by the institution's department heads during the panel interview.
I guess I was squeaking in response to all the questions they were asking me the whole 10 minutes that the interview lasted. At the same time, I've never been so elaborate with my "passion" for research and community health than that exact moment when they asked me why I considered working for them more than anywhere else.
It makes me humbled and thankful to have found something to be passionate about in this early part of my nursing career. So much can happen in a span of one year and although my dreams of working in the marine science field is still far from over, the singular truth remains- Conservation is not a career but a lifestyle.
I guess I'll see later how everything turns out. For now, I try to learn and live as much as I can.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
blog title, dying, eulogy, George Herbert, life, living, poems, posies
After Death For Cures
These words, "after death for cures", were actually taken from George Herbert's Life, a poem (ironically ) written about death.
About the Author
George Herbert was a Welsh poet, orator and Anglican priest who lived during the Elizabethan era. The Temple, published in 1633, the same year he died, is a collection which includes most of what the world knows of his metaphysical poetry. As Mark Jarman in Hudson Review wrote, "Reading through The Temple, one does have the sense in poem after poem of being in the presence of a private conversation between the poet and his God."
source: http://hudsonreview.com/2014/10/writing-for-god-the-life-and-work-of-george-herbert/#.V1g17Pl97IU
About the Poem
Like his poem Vertue, this poem by Herbert is an imagery to the transience of life, particularly for people living then when even Herbert's own death at 39 was not uncommon.
How short is the day! How short do flowers live! How short is my life!
These are the commonly painted images going back even to the Old Testament days when Prophet Isaiah said, "The grass withers and the flowers fall" (Isaiah 40:8)
Back in the days when bathing was as rare as living past one's fifties, posies were commonly picked for their aroma; its scent was used to mask decaying odor, the pungent smell of disease, and everything else suspended in the air of the medieval streets. Posies then were valued for their medicinal aroma or sweet savour; the term for disguise in taste is 'sugaring'.
And we can see how the posy was symbolized in all of the three stanzas of the poem: brevity in the first, as a guard against the smell and taste of death in the next stanza, and usefulness that goes beyond death in the last.
source: http://crossref-it.info/textguide/metaphysical-poets-selected-poems/4/252
The Blog Title
I first read this poem from an old copy of Our Daily Bread back in high school and as most devastatingly beautiful poems about human limitations & mortality, this one stayed with me.
This poem was a remnant of the shadow of death following me when I rise early in the morning, a peripheral view of life's transience; this was the steady beating of a long-forgotten song which in vain I try to hum while standing beside someone else's death bed; and this was the longing for a validation of my life lived and not just of an existence wasted.
I badly want to start writing again with all the freedom I have to release the words without the hate, and to begin returning to point zero where once upon a time I proudly stood not regretting nor blaming others for all the choices I made.
I guess this is me growing up and this is me coming into terms with reality that just as much as I want to live, I also do not want to stop living after my death.
About the Author
George Herbert was a Welsh poet, orator and Anglican priest who lived during the Elizabethan era. The Temple, published in 1633, the same year he died, is a collection which includes most of what the world knows of his metaphysical poetry. As Mark Jarman in Hudson Review wrote, "Reading through The Temple, one does have the sense in poem after poem of being in the presence of a private conversation between the poet and his God."
source: http://hudsonreview.com/2014/10/writing-for-god-the-life-and-work-of-george-herbert/#.V1g17Pl97IU
About the Poem
Like his poem Vertue, this poem by Herbert is an imagery to the transience of life, particularly for people living then when even Herbert's own death at 39 was not uncommon.
How short is the day! How short do flowers live! How short is my life!
These are the commonly painted images going back even to the Old Testament days when Prophet Isaiah said, "The grass withers and the flowers fall" (Isaiah 40:8)
Back in the days when bathing was as rare as living past one's fifties, posies were commonly picked for their aroma; its scent was used to mask decaying odor, the pungent smell of disease, and everything else suspended in the air of the medieval streets. Posies then were valued for their medicinal aroma or sweet savour; the term for disguise in taste is 'sugaring'.
And we can see how the posy was symbolized in all of the three stanzas of the poem: brevity in the first, as a guard against the smell and taste of death in the next stanza, and usefulness that goes beyond death in the last.
I made a posy, while the day ran by:
“Here will I smell my remnant out, and tie
My life within this band.”
But Time did beckon to the flowers, and they
By noon most cunningly did steal away,
And withered in my hand.
My hand was next to them, and then my heart;
I took, without more thinking, in good part
Time’s gentle admonition;
Who did so sweetly death’s sad taste convey,
Making my mind to smell my fatal day,
Yet, sug’ring the suspicion.
Farewell dear flowers, sweetly your time ye spent,
Fit, while ye lived, for smell or ornament,
And after death for cures.
I follow straight without complaints or grief,
Since, if my scent be good, I care not if
It be as short as yours.
The Blog Title
I first read this poem from an old copy of Our Daily Bread back in high school and as most devastatingly beautiful poems about human limitations & mortality, this one stayed with me.
This poem was a remnant of the shadow of death following me when I rise early in the morning, a peripheral view of life's transience; this was the steady beating of a long-forgotten song which in vain I try to hum while standing beside someone else's death bed; and this was the longing for a validation of my life lived and not just of an existence wasted.
I badly want to start writing again with all the freedom I have to release the words without the hate, and to begin returning to point zero where once upon a time I proudly stood not regretting nor blaming others for all the choices I made.
I guess this is me growing up and this is me coming into terms with reality that just as much as I want to live, I also do not want to stop living after my death.
This is me writing my eulogy.
