Tuesday, April 30, 2019

A Boy, an Ant, and the Moon

It's been two years since I last wrote an entry and it's actually a pleasant surprise that my blogger account is connected to Gmail, hence, this opportune chance to log in seamlessly. I've just realized that I've been posting at least annually since I started this blog in high school but for the past 2 years, I got too caught up in work I wasn't able to publish one for myself to read, at least. 

But I had a one in a million chance of meeting a person who reminded me of how wonderful it is to write and who also apparently likes weird competitions (his words, not mine) i.e. creating short stories, such as this. So, to the two people who are reading this part of the internet, Hello!


                       Here's a short story made across a thousand miles,
through a few dozen Slowly letter exchanges,
by two people anticipating Easter.

Like rainbow that can be painted over grey canvas, and so life can be colorful over the grey past.                                                                                       Mycota

One two three four, what numbers are for? One is my love, two maybe nice, three is too much, four is...accident. One two three four, what numbers are for? Two times one equal one times two, why bother with the calculation if you don't have to? Alas the answer is just two.

He had always been the outsider, the weird kid with two thumbs...on his right hand, and two on his left. So that when they started counting their fingers and toes in first grade, his would always end two numbers more than the rest. And when he was asked to describe himself in just two words the first day of high school, he replied, "Bad at counting."

But he had always been two steps ahead, as he thought that having two more thumbs is better than having two less... And it certainly better than having two faces.

At least physically, he didn't magically grow another face. Yet like the moon graced with two faces, she who regally struts her beauty across the night sky, her dark side kept away from everyone's view, he had, on the other hand, been keeping others from seeing the light of his soul and instead chose to always show the world a dim facade. Being always two steps ahead, he did this to himself.

And that night, the moon was full, glowing upon him as he sat on the terrace. A tiny wanderer climbed to his hand. A creature with four more legs, an ant. He put up his tiny guest to the level of his eyes, scrutinize him as he climbed further to the tip of his thumb, just like a pinnacle of a mountain where he could enjoy the moonlight. What was the purpose of eyes if not to appreciate differences, he thought to himself.

Hence began the start of a wonderful friendship--- that of the four-thumbed human and the six-legged creature, an ant, who, despite its size is actually one of the strongest beings in the planet. A few moments ago, he was just carrying the boy's heavy gaze. But as the night went on, the ant found himself also carrying the boy's heavy heart.

The night was beautiful and the wind was gentle. For long the ant had stayed, before he finally let himself down. He stopped and gave the boy a final gaze, an acknowledgement and admiration before continuing his journey. From the queen he came, to the queen, he serve. The encounter was short, but the boy realized, from God he came, to God he serve, and in Him, he found his meaning.

The next time they met, the atmosphere was just as peaceful and the wind was just as gentle as the night of their first encounter. But now the boy is sitting by the window, the ant on his palm and together they waited for the disappearance of the moon. As hours passed by, the moon gradually changed its color, a thin red curtain was being drawn to cover her solemn face. The boy stared amazed, he didn't dare blink. Nor did the ant. For ants cannot blink even if they wanted to.

It is the dream afraid of waking that never take the chance. So the boy stood in his feet on top of resolution that won't blink even in fierce stormy life. He had now, the strength of an ant to heave the burden of every troubles, the illuminating sun to guide him, gentle moon to console him, and an ant to fight with him. He speak to the ant, 'Today, we're going to make the world our friend'.

But alas! It seems that the World heard their plan and thought he is too superior to be included in that puny friendship. For even as the minutes turned to hours, the duo waited in vain for the moon's reappearance in the night sky but she never did. The World's darkness swallowed the Moon and he refuses to give her back. The boy and the ant are now beginning to panic!

As the trees and grass wilted, and so they boy's heart started to wither. In the pitch black of terrifying night, the boy realized the darkness of his own heart. Anger and dissatisfaction. Voices echoed within his head. One two three four, what numbers are for? One step to misfortune, two steps from calamity, three devils dancing among him in the rectangle of demons!

"Matter exists in four physical states" - that's what their physics teacher told them. But why does it seem to him that he, a solid human being, is starting to dissipate into thin air with each step he takes at the school hallways? People look his way but choose to unsee him, everyday. So, in what state does a tangible but invisible object exist? To that he added the fifth: a paradox!

"A paradox!" He exclaimed. What a convenient state he thought. In an environment that defies logic, one couldn't be wrong. There was no judgement for all the truth was himself to determine. Thus began his conviction that what truly matter was himself.

It is a whole different world where everything seems to move at a pace based on the viewer's perception of its relevance; it is where a sunrise could take an entire lifetime, the falling of a leaf a decade, or the escaping of terrors just a split second. It is a world where his thought is god!

All by myself... All by myself he repeated. And a question struck him, like a thunder with flashing realization.. What was the meaning of himself? Could one be meaningful for oneself? This world conquered by his mind, but the mind can't conquer itself, for it can't help but felt lonely.

So on that rare summer night, when the night was much darker, and the wind much colder, he curled up on his bed, hugging himself and missing his little friend, longing for company the way the sky yearns for the moon. "Are you there?" he whispers to the void. Slowly extending his arm towards the darkness, a firm grip suddenly seizes his hand.

A small yet a strong grip, out of sight, clutched in impenetrable darkness. Yet he knew, his little friend was there. The bond of two souls was not visible yet stronger than any chain. As tears fell his eyes, collapsed to darkness, the moon came from the clutch of the world and shine once more, illuminating both just like the day of the past.

A small yet strong grip, felt but made invisible by the darkness. It was his little friend, his other little friend. A grip of a friend long forgotten, fingers whose touches felt like coming home--- the softness of the palm, the warmth of a familiar hand, the extra thumb sticking out. And the gentle glow of the moon upon the child's face marked the opening of a sentence left unsaid, words suspended in sullen air, oscillating between these two identical faces, "I am you."

The quiet night went by, only the orchestra of cicadas and the gentle moon surrounded them. As their hands tangled and clasped together, like a tangled fate, words ought not be spoken, it was the heart that spoke. The warmth, reminded him of who he truly was. The brighter him who looked upon the days with optimism, who stand straight even when poured and soaked by the rain of mocking. As they hugged, they were, once again become one as the night became warmer.

For a brief second their embrace was broken as the boy looked up, "How have I waited for you to welcome me as I am." After saying these words, they just stayed that way, a boy and a man, two silhouettes huddled close, darker than the darkness surrounding them, yet totally at peace with themselves, with each other, with the world.

It had been years, as the man looked back on the past, who now lingered beside him. As the nostalgic moonlight brought him back to his childhood, the wind whistled peaceful songs. In the cradle of the wind, the man finally made peace with himself, four thumbs, not an accident, but a blessing.

E N D



Your palms lined with words
Each heartbeat an adventure,

Your soul, a story. 


Thursday, August 18, 2016

Friday, August 5, 2016

Sunday, July 31, 2016

You're

You are the regrets upon waking up in the morning
And the hopelessness that haunts me at night

You are the believer of eternal life
But the condemner of humans- sinners & saints alike

It is not your darkness that scares me

But in the absence of light,
You could be me and I could be you

You are what scares me for
Everything that I don't want to be- you are.


Losing the Sun on a Sunday

I woke up extra early today so I could go review the part on Disaster & emergency preparedness I'm supposed to talk about at church. Sadly, the water supply was cut off lasting for a few hours and so I ended up staying home (not my home) watching carpool karaoke on Youtube.

And I figured out that I should write down all the random thoughts running across my mind lately.

First off, I had my second panel interview at the Bureau of Quarantine a few weeks ago. I came there feeling so dressed up in my black Hello Kitty long sleeves, camouflage skinny jeans and velvet clogs only to realize that the other interviewees wore blazers & pencil skirts, stockings & low-heeled shoes, red lipsticks & mascaras. Looking back, I was never really intimidated by being so under dressed; I was so used to that feeling.

While waiting for each of our turns, we managed to talk to each other and realizing that all 7 of us at the area were being interviewed for one position (okay so I initially thought that I was applying for the HEPO-Iloilo position, turns out I wasn't). And I managed to meet this person from Batangas who told me that he initially also wanted to be a nurse, after learning that all of us except him were registered nurses, but that he wasn't able to pursue that dream saying "Ang taas kasi ng pangarap ko. Gusto ko sa UP." Though he felt bad seeing most of his classmates receiving letters from UP except the four of them who put nursing degree as their first choice, he said that he had no regrets finishing his Chemistry degree in PUP.

Even in such a short conversation, I was struck with the different ways on how souls affect each other on different levels. We managed to talk about the need for social reforms in the health & education sector, on how that 50-centavo increase on the previously 12 pesos per unit tuition fee might seem laughable to some but actually means a whole lot of money to others hence the protests, the struggles of being delayed and finishing college longer, and the uncertainties of growing up, trying to find work as well as your place in the society.

Okay. This is not a confession to a senpai. I don't even think I'll even see him around ever again as I really think he's one of those souls I was destined to meet only once but surely one I'll remember for a long time.

Meanwhile, I am still stuck here in the unending cycle of doing nothing but thinking about everything especially questioning the purpose of my existence. And true enough, every time I'm about to touch that dense black void of "Why can't there just be nothing---no humans, no earth, no universe (or parallel universe) & no Greater Power)?" I am catapulted back to asking "What exactly is nothing?" and is there even a feel to it? This used to happen a lot when I'm sitting at our van's passenger seat by the way. Now it just happens a lot every time.

But thankfully, I got accepted to my "target" workplace after almost 4 months of waiting (and thinking & regretting why I didn't send more resumes to wherever hospitals & facilities my size 6 feet and size 10 sense of adventure would take me). I'm really excited to finally get a job instead of just being a busy sloth since I really fear I'm gaining weight but never skills nor wisdom the past months. And to be honest, I'm quite surprised that I managed to lose 5 kilos *literally* by not doing anything.

Oh wait I know why! I'm hardly eating breakfast. But skipping breakfast makes body metabolism slower since the body is tricked that it's starving hence it tries to store energy sources (spell save the fats!) for cells' future consumption.

Anyway, I let people know about that letter, they congratulate me, all seemingly ends well except that it doesn't. I mean really. Also, all kinds of lab fees are expensive.

And it hurts me to remember all the past patients I've encountered in PGH having to undergo all the lab exams on a daily basis and not having enough money to even buy their food.

Yes, a wider coverage for the NHIP (PhilHealth) is good but it's not exactly the best solution there is to achieving a "Healthier Pinoy, Healthier 'Pinas" situation.

The past few times my younger brother goes back here from San Juan, he's been bringing me ziplocks full of syringes, needles & IV starter packs which really made my face light up. Seriously, I've never gotten these much before (he said he has a yellow bag full of 'em, I'm still waiting for the bandage tapes he promised). And I'm planning on stocking on these things as much as I can for future public hospital use. And as I was wallowing in this negligible, materialistic celebration, I was reminded of how private-public partnerships work.

Sure I'll have all these equipment at my disposal whenever I'll run out of my own supplies but that won't make me reliant, heck, it would make me dependent on the mercies of availability. That these resources being provided are just as good as the transient 'goodness' of a capitalist's mind last; that this is a tatanga-tangang nurse applying band aid to prevent the postpartum hemorrhage of a bleeding "puta" named Pilipinas.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Para kay ABC

TATLO ka bulan nga nagatambay sa internet, naga-basa sang libro, naga-tuon sa online classes.
DUWA ka kompanya ang ginpasahan ko sang resume, nag-exam, nag-interview, naga-asa.
ISA lang man ang ginapangayo ko. 
Hatagi niyo ko obra.

Joke lang.

Kay man sa tuod-tuod, naga duwa-duwa na ko kung i-pursue ko man gihapon ang postgrad degree sa marine science. Amo man lang na gani ang ginakaptan ko samtang gapangabudlay sa nursing. Damo sang adlaw samtang ga duty sa ward nga gusto ko na lang gid ipahabyog tanan nga ginabitbit ko, maglumpiga sa hallway kag magwangal. Gin pep talk pa ko gani sang prof ko isa ka adlaw.

"Nga-a nga kada basa ko sang journal entry mo, daw exhausted lang makita ko?" Pamangkot ni Ma'am. *siyempre in tagalog*

"Kay sin-o gusto ang nursing haw?"

Siyempre lang gid masabat ko tuod. Mabinutig pa ko na nga kapoy na gid ko. "Kanday tatay, Ma'am."

"Ano gid bala gusto mo?" follow up question.

"Marine bio gid Ma'am first choice ko tani. Galing wala da kuno kwarta."

Nagpadayon ang istoryahanay asta nga ginhambalan ko ni Ma'am nga, "Tapusa lang ni. Pero kun maka-graduate ka kag magsulod ka pa sa hospital, imo na na desisyon as an adult. Indi mo na mabasol pa parents mo."

Maayo man kay naka-graduate ko. Para lang sa diploma kag sa sablay, gamayan ko na isablay kabuhi ko. Seryoso.

Nagpuli na ko dayon, kay didto ko ma-review para sa board exam.

Nami didto, buot man laban mga classmates ko, sagad man laban nga mga gatudlo.

Sa bugay sang Gino-o, taas nakuha ko nga board rating. Lipay kami eh.

Pagkatapos sang tanan nga congratulations, kag pasalamat balik naman gihapon sa umpisa.

Ano na sunod ko nga ubrahon?

Indi ko puwede kahibi kay daw nahibi ko naman tanan.

Indi man gid ko kakadlaw kay ang kaugalingon ko na man lang ang kadlawan ko.

Indi man ko pwede kauntat na lang, makontento sa kabuhi nga puro na lang trabaho.

Isa na lang ang nabilin: Ang mag-padayon.

Para kay C, ang bata nga nakilala ko sa Cancer Institute halos apat na katuig ang nagligad. 
Dumduman mo to? Indi mo gusto nga palapitan ka sang mga naka-bayo sang puti kay nahadlok ka masakitan? Pero ginsaligan mo si Manang Rophy nga magpalapit kag makipag-hampang sa imo, nga maghatag sang imo bulong kag mag-upod sa imo pangita kay Nemo? Diin ka na ayhan subong man? Bal-an mo ayhan nga may Finding Dory na nga pelikula?

Para kay A, ang bata sa Burn Unit nga nakaya man gihapon mag-kadlaw sa pihak sang kahapdi sang iya nga nasunog nga panit. Una ko pa lang nga kita sa imo, ka cutie patootie ka gid. Sunod ko na lang nabal-an nga nasunog gali ang inyo balay, nga kun wala ka masapwan sang tupad-balay niyo sa kuna nga ginakup-an sang nagakalayo nga tela indi na gid ta tani magkita-ay? 
Dumduman mo to? Kada palapit ko sa imo gawangal ka dayon, pakungkong ka dayon kay Mama mo. Siyempre nangayo ko bulig kay Mr. Panda kag sa mga nagsunod nga adlaw, gakanta na ta Old McDonald Had a Farm. Ay, kami lang gali ni Panda gakanta, gatulok ka lang kag gakadlaw.

Indi niyo na gid ni madumduman. Mga bata pa kamo. Pero nadumduman ko gid kamo. Bangod sa inyo, ma-nurse na gid si Manang Rophy niyo. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Sly Dimension


I rarely take selfies but when I do I take them in bulk. And they mostly involve me in my 4th dimension mode---the fangirl who likes mostly everything JP and Jang Geun Suk (long before most people got a crush on him in You're Beautiful, I got dibs on him first when he appeared in Hwang Jini). Also, we both love Bath & Body Works' Warm Vanilla Sugar scent, we could spend the entire day just smelling each other. (ew what did I just say?)

I was browsing through old files and I found these photos taken around 2 years ago. Interesting how I used to spend my alone times in our dorm room. Basically, I'm saving these here for myself. Thanks to Justine for the posters~ I kind of forgot where exactly in Divisoria we used to buy our Anime and KPop posters. Also, chances are, I'm just talking to myself in this blog.

If I don't talk to myself, no one else will. -Dara (2ne1)





who am i alone
who am i around people
i've yet to find out.